An anonymous email...
Hello, I am one of your stunningly beautiful and avid blog readers.
I just wanted to ask you a question as your opinion matters highly with me.
I think I may be falling in love with a TM here on the Ops floor.
Everytime I see him, my heart skips and I can hardly breathe. My girlish figure is all a shiver when he comes near me.
My brain always feeds me these images of us running away together, whilst logging out early from my shift.
The problem is, I don't even think he notices me or knows me.
What do I do?
Please help me, Callboi!
Tuwa naman ako; may avid blog readers pala ako, ahihihi! Akalain mo yun.
And my opinion matters highly with you? Ikaw ha! You're making bola my already bilog na head. Kurutin kita sa pawisan mong singit eh.
Ay. Oo nga pala, you asked me something about having the hots for a TM sa floor. Sino ba? Ito naman di pa sinulat kung sino, chaka mo gurl.
Aminin mo na! Si Steven no? Eto naman kasing si Steven eh! Ang sikip-sikip ng mga damit! Akala mo suot niya damit ng bunso niyang kapatid. Or baka si Jayson? Hooooy, baka mamaya si Andro ha! Diyosko, ipapa-salvage ka ni Bianca kung si Andro nga!!! Baka naman si Andrew? Kay ano na yun... ehem... wala pala.
Anyway, kung gusto mo talaga matoknak kung sino mang TM yan, eh di magpacute ka sa kaniya!
Ano pa ba ibang magagawa mo di ba? Maghintay na ma-promote ka rin na TM para may chance na kayo magkasama?
The chances of that happening are next to nil.
Kaya next time magkita kayo, patugtugin mo sa utak mo yung song na "Whoops-kiree-whoops" tapos ikendeng mo yang bony hips mo at pa-cute ka na!
Balitaan mo ako pag may nangyari!
Love and Kisses and Suction,
Alas! Your wise and sagely advise went amiss!
I made, what's the term again?, pa-cute to the TM my heart fancies.
Unfortunately, I am new to this kind of method and my hip-swaying may have resembled something like a spastic contraction or a drunken foxtrot.
When he saw me doing this precarious parade on the Ops floor, he had a look on his face reminiscent of those people who have seen a horse defecate on the road. He swerved away from me and ran to the pantry.
Woe is me! Shall I never have my heart's desire? Shall I forever be alone, adrift in the miserable ocean that is my life?
Aid me, Callboi, in my direst need!
Drama ever ka, girl! Parang inubos mo ang synonyms sa thesaraus ng Microsoft Word! Wagi ang depressing letter mo, I must say!
But on to the business at hand... So, palpak ang Cutesy Guevarra-mode mo, well, dapat kasi nagpaturo ka muna sa akin kung paano magpa-cute, devah? Malay ko ba na para ka palang si Pokwang na nagrarampa sa Mall of Asia kung maglakad?
Hmmmm... I think you're next best option would be to send him a text message or something, declaring you're affection and desire for him.
Pero girl, wag na wag mo siyang padadalhan ng text ni Sosy Inday ha! Diyosko, baka ma-turn off ang lolo mo. Pambarkada text lang yun.
And siguraduhin mo na naka-UNLIMITXT ka! Mamaya mo maubusan ka ng load, tapos di ka makasagot sa reply niya.
Kisses. All over it.
My heart bleeds with the pain it pumps out into my scantily-clad body. Callboi, I sent him the following text yesterday morning while he was sitting on his station:
TM, I am yours. Your will is my desire. Speak and my heart sings halleluiahs to the heavens. Your godly body is my prison, my temple, my refuge is in your arms. Every step you take brings delight to my wretched soul, every laugh from your cherubic lips fuels the fiery flames of desire within my captive entity. Here is my heart, TM, do with it as you will...
After a few minutes, Callboi, I got this reply:
Such a cold answer to an inflamed missive. It dowsed the fury of my passion. I. AM. NOTHING. ANYMORE.
ANG TONTA MO KASI! BAKIT DI MO NILAGAY NAME MO??!!
CHAKA MO TALAGA GIRL!
Love, Life, and Libog,
Got a problem? Need some advise?
Wala ka bang magawang matino sa buhay mo?
Bored ka ba?
Or isa kang email agent na di nagcacalls?
Kung ganun, email ka lang sa akin! Wala rin akong magawa eh!
I can't promise to post your emails anonymously, but I'll certainly try...