February 2008

I just got my Annual Appraisal today. Ok naman siya. Higher than what I probably truly deserve (thanks, Ms. Wee!). Pero hindi ba parang ang weird isipin na sa mga nakasulat sa ilang pirasong papel ay mababase mo na kung gaano ka-ganda or ka-productive ang isang taong nakaraan sa buhay mo?

According sa appraisal ko, medyo "erratic" ang schedule adherence ko last year. In other words, pangit. Marami kasi akong absent. Pero bihira ako ma-late ha? Mas gugustuhin ko pang ma-absent kesa sa ma-late ako. Marami akong absent kasi, well, nakakatakot mang isipin na mabasa ito ng sup or manager ko, dahil sa marami akong gimik na napilitang samahan.

Nagsisisi ba ako sa dami ng mga absent ko? To be honest, no. Kasi naman, kapag malapit ka nang mamatay, ano ba ang iisipin mo? "Shet, mamamatay na ako pero hayup sa ganda ang sched ad ko! 100%! Diretso langit ako nito, for sure! Am soooo freakin' proud of myself."

Hindi, di ba? At the end of the day, what matters most is how we seized the moment and made the most of what life has to offer. Yun nga lang, since wala na akong Leave Allocations, medyo ambaba ng sinuweldo ko for several months dahil sa dami ng absent. Pero go pa rin ang lolo niyo! Kebs na kung puro sardinas ang ulam.

According rin sa appraisal ko, "Ryan has an excellent command of the English language." Naks! Hindey naman masyadow. Mayabang lang akowng umastah pag-nag-i-ingleys. Feeling coño lang pow.

"Ryan is an exceptional team player." Hmmm... true enough, I guess. Masaya naman kasi team ko eh. Puro karakter. May mga kaunting weirdo, of course, pero uso naman yun nowadays eh. As far as I know, wala namang epal sa team ko. As far as I know, ha?

Nakup, may linya pa lang ganito: "There had been instances when Ryan had violated company policies like wearing slippers..."

Eh kasi naman ang cute nung mga havaiannas ko eh! Sayang naman kung hindi ko suotin di ba? Tsaka ang kinis naman ng paa ko. Di tulad nung sa iba na parang bagong-bunot-from-the-lupa-na-luya! Tsaka paa ko ba ang gagamitin ko para i-pang-type sa keyboard? Uy, di ako galit ha? Nagsasabi lang...

According rin sa overall comments sa akin ng aking maganda at balingkinitang sup, "...he can easily get distracted and can easily be bored by routine if not kept at bay; he has a tendency to wander as well."

Sooobrang totoo to! Katulad ngayon, imbes na mag-trabaho ako nagsusulat ako ng lintek na blog entry na to. Tapos, andalas ko pa mamasyal sa floor. Madalas kasi, sa isip ko, isang malaking party lang ang account natin. At ako ang hostess with the mostest! Syempre kelangan ko maki-mingle di ba?

Pero like I said kanina, I got a higher score than what I expected. Was it just dumb luck? Or maybe may silbi rin naman pala ako kahit papaano. Ewan. Basta dito muna ako sa PS. Masaya pa naman eh, di ba?

Dear Callboi,

Hi. I hope this letter of mine reaches you in good health.

You can call me Closet Man. I don't know if you know me. Certainly by face, but I'm sure my name will be lost on you. Nevertheless, I know you. When I see you on the floor, you have given me the occasional smile that you give to someone you don't know but are being polite to. That's a nice trait, by the way.

I am not exactly asking for advice here. Just a reason to write to you and pick your brain, maybe. You see, I think we might have the same problem, but in different degrees.

I am gay. And my family just recently found out about it. How did they find out? I didn't tell them. Our nosy neighbor did. Apparently, her son saw me with a couple of my closest gay friends in Malate in BED. Why her son was there, too, apparently wasn't as much a scandal as me being there.

Both my mother and father confronted me about it. I came home from my shift the other day and found the both of them sitting in the living room, looking all somber, waiting for me. My father told me to sit down in this voice that suggested to me that I was in deep shit.

They told me what the neighbor said and asked what I was doing in a bar frequented by gay guys.

My mind whirled with plots and lies that would convince my parents that I wasn't gay.

But deep inside, there was this releif blossoming. Finally, I thought, they know. And that's when I decided that I admit everything.

So I told them I'm gay.

My mother immediately broke down in tears and said she couldn't believe it, not a word.

My father was silent, smoking furiously, not saying anything, not a word.

And there I was, in front of my parents, telling them to believe everything I said, every word.

That's when my father slapped me and shouted, "Hindi ka na ba nahiya sa sarili mo? Paano mo nagawa sa amin ito ng mommy mo?"

I was stunned. My father had never ever hit me before. I think my mother was shocked, too, because she stopped crying and was just looking at the both of us, her mouth open.

What's funny is I had the sudden almost irresistible urge to laugh at that exact moment. I mean, it was just too much drama. It was like a scene in some soap opera show. Life does imitate art, I guess.

Anyway, I told my father that I didn't decide to become gay to bring shame to our family. I told him it just happened.

"Nangyari lang? Ang kabaklaan, sakit yan anak! Kayang kaya mong pigilan yan!" was his reply.

"Dad, hindi ito sipon, buhay ko ito," was my answer. And you know what? I was still seeing this moment as being utterly funny. And corny na kasi ng mga sinasabi namin nung moment na yun.

Eventually, the scene ended with me running to my room and stifling my laughter on my pillow. A lot of people might think me weird for finding the situation humurous, but hey, cut me some slack. At that moment, I was feeling so much relief in having outed my secret that I guess I was just way too full of endorphins at the time.

Besides, it has always been a belief of mine that one should always laugh at one's problems. The alternative is just way too much drama.

Right now, my parents and I are civil about the whole thing. I guess they chose to deny all knowledge about my sexuality and I have chosen not to talk about it either. Unhealthy, you say?

Maybe. But it's a hell of a lot better than my parents not knowing who their child is, don't you think? Now, if only I can come out to the people in the office... I don't know why I find it harder to tell my officemates about me than it was with my parents.

Any thoughts?

Sincerely yours,

Closet Man

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Closet Man,

You're right. To a certain extent, we have the same problem. But we dealt with it in different ways.

You chose to stay with your family. I chose to leave.

I don't deny that denial seems to be the common band-aid for such cases. I admit, my family and I bordered dangerously in that state one too many times. But in the end, I decided that I couldn't handle it. I left.

The price I pay everyday for the freedom I acquired is the desolate sadness I feel being without a family for almost five years now. Sure, I can do everything I want now. I can go out with friends whenever and wherever I want. My salary is my own. It's a dream come true for most people. But then, everytime I go home, an empty house is the only thing that welcomes me.

If you think you're in a bad state, try for a different perspective, believe me. You could be doing a lot worse right now.

As for not coming out to the people on the floor, I'm sure they already have an idea. Alam mo naman dito sa PeopleSupport, halos lahat na lang bading. Magbato ka lang diyan sa floor, ang tatamaan either a) bading or b) closetang bading (although pansin ko ha, dumadami na rin ang tibo dito sa atin). And kiber na sa kung anong isipin nila di ba? Basta maganda tayong lahat.

Sloppy Kisses,

callboi♥
(akosicallboi@gmail.com)

Kapag wala akong magawa, naglalakad ako sa paligid ng area ng team namin.

Kanina, meron akong di sinasadyang narinig na usapan:

Teammate 1: "Yun na nga..."

Teammate 2: "Dapat kasi di ka dapat nagpaputok sa loob..."

Tapos napansin nila na narinig ko pala.

Sabi ni Teammate 1, "Iboblog mo ito no?"

Callboi: "Hindi noh!"

Ahehehe. Liars go to hell...

Smoking Area, 730PM:

She-ra: Galing din ng kumpanyang ito noh? Uso talaga ang mga sup+agent relationships.

Callboi: True. What's even more amazing is how management seems to be seemingly blind towards it. In fairness naman, I never saw anything wrong with it.

She-ra: Asus. Sinasabi mo lang yan dahil nung sup ka ginawa mo rin yan!

Callboi: Hoooy...

She-ra: Ano? Itatanggi mo?

Callboi: (blushing) I have no idea what you're talking about...

She-ra: Hahaha! Tigilan mo ako. Anyway, mas malala naman yung ginawa ng iba eh. Di ba nga si TS-Narda, sobra ang suporta na ginawa para sa dyowa niyang si Agent Ding?

Callboi: Hmmm... kunsabagay. Halos di na nagtrabaho tong si Agent Ding no? Sarap ng buhay eh.

She-ra: Truelili. Pero alam mo, feeling ko dyontis na yang si Narda.

Callboi: Weeh? Tumataba lang lola mo noh.

She-ra: Yeah, tumataba sa pagkakaroon ng baby sa uterus niya.

Callboi: Sama mo. I don't think she's pregnant.

She-ra: Issue kasi sa akin ang pag-lolog-in nila sa isa't-isa pag late ang isa sa kanila.

Callboi: Technically, it is a major offense.

She-ra: It's cheap.

Callboi: It's love.

She-ra: It's more lust for me, cutie naman yang si Ding eh.

Callboi: Cute ba yun? Eh ang dugyot kaya ng fez niya!

She-ra: Maitim siya pero di sya madugyot. Tsaka bagay sa kaniya ang slight bigote niya.

Callboi: Bagay din yung slight bigote niya sa slight bigote sa upper lip ni TS-Narda.

She-ra: Hahaha! True! Sana matuto siya mag-shave no?

Callboi: Pero alam mo, di naman lahat ng relationship sa floor eh illicit. Bakit si TS-Clark at si TS-Lois? Legal yun!

She-ra: Kaya nga ako nagtataka eh. Legal naman sila, pero di nila sinasabi sa iba. Ayaw pa nila umamin.

Callboi: It's their business. Kiber na kung ayaw nila ipaalam di ba?

She-ra: Kahit obvious na?

Callboi: Both of them are good people. Am sure umiiwas lang sila sa tsismis. Siyempre, hiwalay sa asawa itong si TS-Lois devah? At si TS-Clark naman ay up for promotion? At kaka-break lang nila nung dyowa niyang agent? So I guess, they don't want to taint their careers with the slightest hint of a rumor.

She-ra: Well, the more they deny it, the more people will talk about it.

Callboi: Hmm... True. Tapos meron pang mga taong tulad natin na ubod ng tsismoso.

She-ra: Honey, everyone loves a good scandal.

Callboi: True... Boring ng floor natin noh? Walang juicy na nangyayari.

She-ra: Hahaha! Wala masyado.

Coming soon... to a blog near you... An exclusive interview with Agent Ira...