Dec 2007

Alam niyo ba, kausap ko kanina yung crush ko na si Clover Chips. I invited him to this little get-together I was having for my 27th birthday next week.

"Kelan siya uli?" Clover asked.

"My birthday's on the twelfth, pero sa 16th ang party," I answered, not looking him in the eye, kasi naiilang ako. Crush ko talaga tong hayop nato.

"Sunday? May shift ako, tsong," he answered, scratching his head, simultaneously looking dumb and irresistibly cute.

I scoffed, "Eh di sunod ka na lang after shift! Ito naman oh, minsan na nga lang ako mang-imbita eh..."

"I'll try pero no guarantees..." Clover Chips told me, looking shyly at me through his bangs.

Nagpa-cute naman ako. May pout effect pa ako na drama ako sa kaniya. He wasn't affected, though.

"Buquir naman, para namang ganoon ka-importante na andun ako sa party mo," he said, exasperated.

"Heller! Alam mo bang sobrang kaunti lang ininvite ko! Tapos iitsupwera mo pa yung invitation ko!" I said, "Tsaka gusto ko nandun ka talaga!"

Clover Chips looked incredulously at me, "At bakit naman kelangang nanduon ako?"

"Ha? Wala! Kasi friends tayo..." I replied, blushing.

He just looked at me, brushing back his hair with his hand, smiling that little smile he has, na parang pinipigilan niyang tumawa. Haaaaay...

This is it. Nahuhulog na naman ang loob ko sa isang straight guy. Oh Buquir, when will you ever learn?

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one."

- Natalie Portman, "Closer".

Yeah, and goddammit ole Nat was right.

There was a moment. It happened last night. I could have stopped it. But nooooo, I just had to close my eyes, and leap.

Like the blind fool that I've always been (honestly, I thought I'd learned my lesson, really), I jumped, leaped, soared, catapulted, somersaulted, cartwheeled, tumbled, slipped, slid, plonked, flopped, and most unusually fell into something that's surely going to bring many a sleepless night to my already sleep-deprived brain.

Why why why did I do it? The moment the deed was done, I thought to myself, "Is this wrong?"

And I couldn't answer my consciousness. I didn't know if what we did was wrong, but it certainly didn't feel right.

How does that old Bachelor Girl song go again? "I walked under a bus..." right? Shit, that's exactly how it felt, man.

Is it going to end up just like everything else that happened before? Do you know how happy I was last Saturday night? With you?

You served me breakfast the next morning. It was really sweet. Even if it was a bit matabang, I loved it. Look, I even took a picture of it using your phone (I also emailed it to myself, using your phone. Sorry, 8210 lang phone ko).

We're friends. That much, I am sure. But what happens now?