Nov 2007

Since nag-uusap na kami ni Sunshine, dapat daw may entry ako tungkol sa birthday niya.

Kaya heto na:

Belated Happy Birthday!!!

Sana magkalaman na uli katawan mo.
Sana lumusog ka na uli.
Sana tuluy tuloy na ang paguusap natin.
Sana gumaling na ang sipon mo.
Sana mag-impok ka sa bangko.
Sana magcomment ka rin sa Friendster ko.
Sana wag kang party ng party.
Sana ngayong Pasko, ay maalala mo pa rin ako... weeeeh! joke lang!!! over na eh!

Pero seriously, happy birthday, Mr. Kinney.

Whenever I'm really bored and/or depressed, or walang email queue, or pag down ang Surf Control, I checkout my Friendster profile.

It was a boring Sunday night when I found myself checking out the old testimonials on my profile. It's interesting how much has changed in people's perception of me.

Sabi mo, you will not succumb to
this... plastik! anyway, welcome to
friendster!!!!
I love you because you always make me
laugh. and you are a good cook!
At alam kong di mo ako love kasi si

• ano* ang love mo....

This one's from an officemate of mine before named Dara. This is the first ever testi I received. The *ano* she was referring to was Chinaboy, my first love sa PS, ahihihi! Cute niya talaga. Mukha siyang siomai na ang sarap isubo. Ehem.

I am amazed at how Ryan works. (As an
eRep ha, hindi yung ibang karir!) And
he has a certain charm that hooks you
through and through! (Non-paid
testimonial ito!)

Hay, si Owen. He was one of my first QA's sa floor (in fact, madalas bagsak ang score ko sa kanya), and I still see him as one of the coolest and smartest people I know. Taray kasi niyang mag-English eh. And such a fashionista.

Si Ryan ay una kong nakita sa
zoo...Manila Zoo to be exact...tapos
after 20 years, nakita ko siya sa
PS...Darwin(Charles) was right in the
theory of evolution...Joke... Ryan is
one of the funnier people that
brightens your day...Always have a
funny line or a punchline to crack you
up...Astig ka Da Buquir!

Eto naman si Ramonster. Corny ng testi niya noh? Mabura nga. Back then, people in PS called me "The Buquir"; I think it coincided with the premiere of the movie, "The Hulk".

What can I say about the only man I
ever loved? (Oops! Wrong Ryan!) Hehehe!
Kidding aside, this man is a deep well
of talent. He writes the darkest yet
most enlightening prose I have ever
read. Believe me, this guy will be the
first Filipino to win the Booker Prize.
Aside from that, Ryan is a patient and
understanding friend who will accept
and love you for who you are. Ryan, I
really love you!

This is JP. He took two major courses during our college years, and he excelled in both. Though he looks like an extra in a cheap action flick (possibly top-billed by Jeric Raval and George Estregan, Jr.), he's quite a talented screenplay writer. In fact, sa Star Cinema siya ngayon nagwowork. He gets to rub elbows with the stars and the movers and shakers of showbiz. Minsan, humingi ako ng pic ni Papa John Lloyd sa kaniya, binigyan naman niya ako, kaso yung pic kasama siya. Medyo naturn off ako. Peace lang, JP!

The first line in his testi refers to this other Ryan whom he fell for in college. Definitely not me.

Bu-Buquir! Bu-BU-Buquir! BUqui-qui-qui-
quir!

This is my DJ's mix for the great good
friend and bro of mine - THE BUQUIR!

This is AV. What can I say about my batchmate's testi? Cu-cu-cuhhraaazy!

OOOOHHH!!! AHHH!!! I'M COOMMINNGG!!!!
those are the only words I utter
whenever I am with Ryan. We usually
hang-out inside Toffer's car,
specially pag naka-park ito sa harap
ng College Bldg. ng Bene. We LOOOVVE
PDA!!! so usually mas preferred namin
pag mejo malapit na kami mahuli.... ni
Dean Obispo!!! bwahahahahaha!!!!

Oh God, how I miss this girl, Ayin. She was one of the reasons why San Beda was so much fun to be in. She was crazy, kalog, and may pagka-palengkera. Btw, hindi totoo yung testi niya sa akin. As seen in her pic above, she got married na. Hmmm... padala ko kaya tong testi na to sa husband niya, ahehehe.

Buquir!.. Now one of my dearest friend.. kachokaran. yosi buddy.. and kung ano ano pa.. never a dull moment with this guy, sobrang ang daldal.. ay ako ata yun! hehehehehe!.. one of the reason why i enjoy staying in GY.. such a good friend.. unan ko pag inaantok ako.. tiga salba pag lasing ako.. Basta Buks tandaan mo lagi " Wala Tayong Ginagawang Masama!."

Eek! Si Pumpkin to. Yun lang. sigh...

I'm floating in nothingness...

My sadness consuming me... My happiness overwhelming me... My fears overcoming me... My norms conforming me...

Bending reality and waiting things to happen...
Everything's twisted...

Si Marco, for some weeeird reason, ang username sa Friendster ay -PROMISCUOUS-, believe me, he is anything but. Anlabo ng testi niya no? Siguro nasobrahan na naman sa rugby tong si Leyson nung sinulat niya to.

Thank U so much for being there always when I am needing a friend. Thank U for the times we've shared together and for the things that only "D BUQEER " is capable of doing.

My words of gratitude will always be an UNDERSTATEMENT for the things and favors you have done for me. No matter happens, U'R always dear to me and NO ONE in this DAMN world can replace the spot where I placed you.

Remember this; Friendship is not about always being nice, or agreeable, far from it. A friend will tell you when he or she thinks U'R full of shit,but always casts it that way,never as a statement of fact. It's a fine but important distinction. If I say "U'R full of shit" it must be understood that this is my opinion only. Further, it's more likely that he or she is not the one who's so full, but I AM. That's why I cringe when someone, in the name of FRIENDSHIP, says this to me. Usually they are wrong, but there's no point arguing.

At siyempre pa, si Amorsolo. Ang testi! Pang-Miss Universe!!! Kulang na lang world peace!

AY NAKOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ang pangit pangit pangit ng BUQIQANG eeeeeeeeeh! tiglan tigilan tigilan!~BUQIQUI nalaaaaaaaaaang!

i love you

This is Jem. Bestfriend ni Marco. Apparently, they were sharing the bottle of rugby...

mis u! see you this january. luv u. TC

Ahihihi! Kinilig ako sobra sa testi na to. Galing kasi kay McNuggets. Feeling ko yung hair ko umabot ng Davao, at nag-round trip pa pabalik ng Manila.

I know I shouldn't, but I can think of ten people whose reservoirs of happiness I'd raid for you. Oh buquir, the patches of your being are the same as unicorns or rainbows with perfect arcs or four-leaf clovers or a cup of perfectly brewed coffee for free. I am always happy to see you, but I am also always rendered slightly mute by the sight of you.

This is the most recent testi I received from a girl named Ging. I had to read this comment twice just to understand it. Galing nya mag-ingles no? Natameme nga ako eh.

I have this friend and co-worker of mine whom we shall name Mark. He's neither a newbie nor a vet rep, he's somewhere in between, I guess.

His sexuality has been in question since he first started his NHO training.

We were hanging out on the rooftop of his condo the other morning, drinking hot coco and eating pan de sal.

It was still cold and only a few people were out and about down in the streets. It was only the two of us on the rooftop. And no, dear readers, there was nothing romantic about the setting. Friends lang kami, swear (parang artista lang!).

Anyway, we were discussing how hard it is for him to keep his identity from his parents and friends who were obviously unaware of his, ummm, preference.

"Would you believe, in my previous job, I was considered something of a playboy? A chickboy?" Mark told me.

I nodded, "Well, you certainly have the looks for the title."

He laughed, "And nobody even had the slightest idea that I was doing the boss's teenaged son after shift."

He stood up from the ledge, grabbed a pack of cigarettes from a nearby chair, leaned on the wall, and looked at me, "Do I honestly look gay or effeminate to you?"

I thought for a moment, "I guess, you look "doubtful" to me."

"Doubtful?" he asked, "what the hell does that mean?"

"Doubtful. You know, kaduda-duda," I answered, "kasi naman, the clothes you wear are too fashionable to be straight. Plus, you don't exactly flirt with girls on the floor."

"That could just mean that I'm a metrosexual who doesn't fancy anyone on the floor!" Mark defended himself.

"Honey, almost all metrosexuals I know are homosexuals. Labels are so 90's!" I said, "plus, you keep hanging out with the other gay guys on the floor. You know what they say, birds of the same feather, eat other birds."

He looked disturbed by this. So I decided to console him. Just a little.

"Look, if people think you're gay, so what? You are gay!" I said, lighting a cigarette, "Eh ano ba pakialam nila? Sila ba nagpapa-lamon sayo araw-araw?"

I continued, "If they say you're gay, honey, you can't do anything about it. People will talk. Nasa sa iyo na iyan kung papa-apekto ka. Honestly, I've been the subject of nasty gossip, and I can honestly say that I have been hurt by some, but no way did I let it ruin the rest of my life for me."

He was still quiet.

I ran on, "And by the way, medyo nahahalata ko ang flirtation mo with another agent on the floor ha? Kung ayaw mo talaga pahuli na bilatsina ka, you definitely should cease and desist with that."

"Shet! Halata ba na something's going on between me and Green?" he asked, shocked and incredulous.

"Heller!! Oo kaya! Panay kaya ang email-an niyo sa isa't-isa," I explained, "Plus, may mga inside jokes kayo. Pasalamat na lang kayo di kayo masyadong napapansin ng teammates niyo."

"Eh bakit ikaw? Napansin mo?" Mark asked.

"Eh kasi ang cute ni Green eh! Hahahaha!" I laughed, "lagi ko siyang pinagmamasdan. And once, napadaan ako sa station niya, nakita ko na may email thread kayo sa isa't isa. Hmpf."

Mark was quiet again, thoughtful.

"Type mo ba si Green?" I asked him.

Mark looked at me, "I think I do. Kaso, alam mo na..."

I sighed. Haaay. Hirap talaga maging kloseta.

I had a little chat with Sunshine (opo, nag-uusap na kami) a few hours before his birthday.

"So you don't talk to them anymore?" Sunshine asked me.

I nodded, "Nope, medyo matagal na kaming di okay."

"And all because he slept with Alex's ex a short time after they broke up?" he asked me.

"That was my initial reasoning, yes," I replied.

"Hmmm..." Sunshine responded.

"What? You think I made the wrong decision?" I asked him.

"Well, the way I see it, you're really out of the picture on this one; you have nothing to do with it," he answered.

I pondered his statement, "So you think what he did was right?"

"No, I didn't say that. I'm just saying it's their life," Sunshine explained, "Technically, hiwalay na sila ni Alex nung nag sex sila."

"Oh and that fact makes everything ok, I guess," I said, sarcastically, "Sunshine, bestfriend niya si Alex. What they did was wrong. Of course, they're only human, but that doesn't excuse the fact."

Sunshine thought for a moment before answering, "Paano nalaman ni Alex na may nangyari sa ex niya at sa bestfriend niya?"

"Well, shockingly enough, it was the bestfriend who admitted it," I answered, "For a moment there, I thought people would naturally assume I was the one who told Alex."

"What do you plan to do?" he asked.

"Do? I plan to do nothing," I replied, "Like you said, I'm out of it."

"Buti pa ako, steady lang," Sunshine joked.

"Honga," I kidded back, "Happy birthday nga pala."

Marami na ang nagtanong sa akin kung ano ba ang nangyari sa amin ng dati kong bestfriend. Madalas, nagsisinungaling ako, and I would just say "What are you talking about? We're cool. We just don't get to hang out with each other much." As lies come and go, that was admittedly a pathetic one. Pero nakakahiya kasi aminin ang katotohanan. At saka, I think, nahihiya rin akong aminin na may malaking chance na ako ang may kasalanan. Not entirely my own, of course. I'm sure the people involved would agree that it does take two to tango.

Si Paris? Nagkahiwalay ang aming landas (naks!) dahil lang sa isang lalaki. Alam niyo, naging parang pamilya ko si Paris. We were thick as thieves, BFF's, brothers from different mothers, cheerleaders, sisters in style, at Paris and Nicole. But like what happened to the latter celebrity friends, things got complicated. A boy got in the way. I often think of this boy as Heartbreaker, kadiri man isipin.

As cliche as it may sound, if I could turn back time, I would definitely do things differently. I was insensitive and self-centered back then. At may pagka-bratinela and self-righteous rin yata ako noon. I felt like I was king of the world and that no one could dare ruin my moment. In hindsight, I often felt that the world revolved around me. Kaya siguro nagkaroon ng mas malalim na connection si Paris and Heartbreaker. Nasikipan na sila sa mundo ko.

Pero alam niyo, saka ko lang nalaman na inlove pala ako kay Heartbreaker nung nalaman ko na inlove pala sa kaniya si Paris. Pareho pala kami ng taste, ahehehe. Nung nalaman ko na inlove si bestfriend kay Heartbreaker, biglang naging sakim ang aking matabang puso. Sa isip ko, akin lang si Heartbreaker. Mahal ko siya and I should be his only bestfriend. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, ika nga. I suddenly felt that I was in a competition. Kelangang matalo ko siya.

I was extremely blinded with love. In fact, nakakahiya man aminin, ang motto in life ko back then was "if love is not madness, it is not love." Baliw no? I did some pretty horrible things back then. Tapos may kumalat pa na tsismis na pinagkakalat ko raw na magdyowa kami na ni Heartbreaker. OMG. I never said anything like that. I said a lot of stupid things, but not that.

Hindi ko man lang naisip na Paris came first in my life. That he was family. That he was possibly the closest bestfriend I ever had and ever will. I failed to realize that I loved him more than Heartbreaker. I was stupid. I still am, I think.

Ayoko mang isipin, pero I think I deserved the treatment I got from the both of them. It was the most painful thing I ever felt, bar none. At hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring nakakatalo sa sakit na naramdaman ko noong naging sila. Grabe, tsong. Di nyo lang alam pero parang nasiraan ako ng bait nung mga panahong yun.

Pumapasok ako ng lasing o sabog. Sinasaktan ko sarili ko. I felt that the physical pain would distract me from the emotional one. It didn't work, obviously.

You know, for a smart person, I do the stupidest things.

Anyways, emosyonal talaga ang drama namin ni Paris. Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring resolution. Walang closure.

Tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung magkakaayos pa ba kami ni Paris. Di ko alam eh. Sa totoo lang? Nahihiya ako. At natatakot. Andaming naapektuhan ng pagkasira ng friendship namin ni Paris. Antanga ko kasi.

Iniisip ko naman, kung magkaayos kami ni Paris, would it ever be the same? Would we learn to trust each other? I don't know.

Minsan, naiisip ko, the only way I could talk to Paris would be if he were asleep and not hearing a word I would say. I'd imagine him lying there, sleeping peacefully while I held his hand.

I would probably tell him how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything that happened. I would be honest and admit that most of the times back then, I really did mean to hurt him and I'm sorry sorry sorry for that.

I was in love with someone he was in love with and I couldn't handle it. I reacted stupidly and wrongly. My heart has total control over my brain, I guess.

And I would also tell him, that nowadays, I often think that nothing right has ever happened to me ever since we parted ways. Parang lahat nasira para sa akin. Sunud-sunod ang mga maling desisyon ko at kamalasan.

Sabi ko nga sa isang friend ko pa, "The alignment of the universe was cosmically screwed when we started not being friends anymore." I said it jokingly at the time but I think I kinda meant it.

Lately, lagi ko siyang nakikitang malungkot. Madalas, I have this urge to run to him and just hug him. And ask him what's wrong. Ang kinatatakutan ko? Baka di siya maniwala sa akin. Di ko yata makakayanan yun.

Pero eto na. Sorry friend. Sorry Paris. Sorry for everything. I really really am... Not being your friend was a bigger loss on my part, I now realize. I only hope that I can help with whatever seems to be bothering you nowadays.