Marami na ang nagtanong sa akin kung ano ba ang nangyari sa amin ng dati kong bestfriend. Madalas, nagsisinungaling ako, and I would just say "What are you talking about? We're cool. We just don't get to hang out with each other much." As lies come and go, that was admittedly a pathetic one. Pero nakakahiya kasi aminin ang katotohanan. At saka, I think, nahihiya rin akong aminin na may malaking chance na ako ang may kasalanan. Not entirely my own, of course. I'm sure the people involved would agree that it does take two to tango.
Si Paris? Nagkahiwalay ang aming landas (naks!) dahil lang sa isang lalaki. Alam niyo, naging parang pamilya ko si Paris. We were thick as thieves, BFF's, brothers from different mothers, cheerleaders, sisters in style, at Paris and Nicole. But like what happened to the latter celebrity friends, things got complicated. A boy got in the way. I often think of this boy as Heartbreaker, kadiri man isipin.
As cliche as it may sound, if I could turn back time, I would definitely do things differently. I was insensitive and self-centered back then. At may pagka-bratinela and self-righteous rin yata ako noon. I felt like I was king of the world and that no one could dare ruin my moment. In hindsight, I often felt that the world revolved around me. Kaya siguro nagkaroon ng mas malalim na connection si Paris and Heartbreaker. Nasikipan na sila sa mundo ko.
Pero alam niyo, saka ko lang nalaman na inlove pala ako kay Heartbreaker nung nalaman ko na inlove pala sa kaniya si Paris. Pareho pala kami ng taste, ahehehe. Nung nalaman ko na inlove si bestfriend kay Heartbreaker, biglang naging sakim ang aking matabang puso. Sa isip ko, akin lang si Heartbreaker. Mahal ko siya and I should be his only bestfriend. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, ika nga. I suddenly felt that I was in a competition. Kelangang matalo ko siya.
I was extremely blinded with love. In fact, nakakahiya man aminin, ang motto in life ko back then was "if love is not madness, it is not love." Baliw no? I did some pretty horrible things back then. Tapos may kumalat pa na tsismis na pinagkakalat ko raw na magdyowa kami na ni Heartbreaker. OMG. I never said anything like that. I said a lot of stupid things, but not that.
Hindi ko man lang naisip na Paris came first in my life. That he was family. That he was possibly the closest bestfriend I ever had and ever will. I failed to realize that I loved him more than Heartbreaker. I was stupid. I still am, I think.
Ayoko mang isipin, pero I think I deserved the treatment I got from the both of them. It was the most painful thing I ever felt, bar none. At hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring nakakatalo sa sakit na naramdaman ko noong naging sila. Grabe, tsong. Di nyo lang alam pero parang nasiraan ako ng bait nung mga panahong yun.
Pumapasok ako ng lasing o sabog. Sinasaktan ko sarili ko. I felt that the physical pain would distract me from the emotional one. It didn't work, obviously.
You know, for a smart person, I do the stupidest things.
Anyways, emosyonal talaga ang drama namin ni Paris. Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring resolution. Walang closure.
Tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung magkakaayos pa ba kami ni Paris. Di ko alam eh. Sa totoo lang? Nahihiya ako. At natatakot. Andaming naapektuhan ng pagkasira ng friendship namin ni Paris. Antanga ko kasi.
Iniisip ko naman, kung magkaayos kami ni Paris, would it ever be the same? Would we learn to trust each other? I don't know.
Minsan, naiisip ko, the only way I could talk to Paris would be if he were asleep and not hearing a word I would say. I'd imagine him lying there, sleeping peacefully while I held his hand.
I would probably tell him how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything that happened. I would be honest and admit that most of the times back then, I really did mean to hurt him and I'm sorry sorry sorry for that.
I was in love with someone he was in love with and I couldn't handle it. I reacted stupidly and wrongly. My heart has total control over my brain, I guess.
And I would also tell him, that nowadays, I often think that nothing right has ever happened to me ever since we parted ways. Parang lahat nasira para sa akin. Sunud-sunod ang mga maling desisyon ko at kamalasan.
Sabi ko nga sa isang friend ko pa, "The alignment of the universe was cosmically screwed when we started not being friends anymore." I said it jokingly at the time but I think I kinda meant it.
Lately, lagi ko siyang nakikitang malungkot. Madalas, I have this urge to run to him and just hug him. And ask him what's wrong. Ang kinatatakutan ko? Baka di siya maniwala sa akin. Di ko yata makakayanan yun.
Pero eto na. Sorry friend. Sorry Paris. Sorry for everything. I really really am... Not being your friend was a bigger loss on my part, I now realize. I only hope that I can help with whatever seems to be bothering you nowadays.