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Being Out and About...

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Dear Constant Readers,

This is my contribution for theorg-y's Coming Out blogging activity.

Hope you like it. I think it's kinda emo. :-P

love, lust and lechon,

- bookie -

rainbow.jpg

Once upon a time, nanligaw ako ng mga babae.

Once upon a time, nagkunyari akong interesado ako sa sports.

Once upon a time, takot akong mag-suot ng pink.

Once upon a time, inisip ko na balang araw, ikakasal ako at magkakaroon ng pamilya.

Once upon a time, kasama sa pang-araw-araw na bokabularyo ko ang "pare" at "tsong".

Once upon a time, I was straight.

Well... pretended to be, anyway.

Then, one day, coming home from school, I found my mother waiting for me in our garage.

Seryoso ang mukha niya.

Kinabahan agad ako.

I checked my conscience to see if may nagawa ba akong kasalanan lately. Wala naman.

Pero kinabahan pa rin ako.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at humalik sa kaniyang pisngi.

"How was school?" tanong niya, kalmado.

"Ok naman," I answered.

She nodded, and then said, "Halika sa loob."

I gulped and followed her to our dining room.

There laid out on the dining table were several copies of gay erotic story books I kept hidden in our library.

Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko.

Nakita ko sa isang sulok ng dining room si Inday, ang minamahal kong yaya, nakasilip sa may pinto, kabadong-kabado ang mukha para sa akin.

"Tell me what these are," my mother asked.

Isang libo't isang isipin ang pumasok sa utak ko.

What do I tell her?

Aamin na ba ako?

Do I deny na akin yun? Maybe I should tell her na the books belonged to my bestfriend and classmate, Donne, whom she knew was gay?

What do I tell her?

Maybe I should lie? Feign innocence?

What do I tell her?

And then the last thought was:

Hindi ba mas madaling sabihin ko na lang ang totoo?

So I told her: "Those are mine."

She closed her eyes for a moment. Medyo nanginginig siya.

When she opened them again, naluluha na siya.

"So bading ka?" ang tanong niya.

Sumagot ako, medyo pumipiyok, "Opo."

Sumagot agad siya, "Kaya mo pang gamutin yan."

Muntik na akong matawa, although there was nothing funny about the moment, "Hindi ito sipon, Ma."

Nag-kasagutan kami for about an hour more, I think. Hindi na malinaw sa akin ang mga nangyari kasi, sa totoo lang, gusto ko nang kalimutan ang naging reaksiyon ni Mama sa nalaman niya tungkol sa akin.

Hindi ko siya masisi. Pero I don't think pwede rin niya akong sisihin.

That happened about eight years ago.

A few months later, I moved out. It was just too stressful. They couldn't cope, I couldn't cope.

And I haven't been home ever since.

PInagsisihan ko ba na umamin ako?

Aaminin ko, sometimes, oo. Mahirap pala ang mag-isa, lalo na pag-holidays. Or pag may sakit ako.

Madalas naman masaya ako sa pagiging bakla. Masaya talaga ang mga bakla. Pero tanungin mo ang kahit na sinong bakla and I am sure, a lot of them would have preferred to be straight.

Masaya maging bakla, oo, pero mahirap din ito. Alam niyo yan.

If it weren't for my friends, I don't think I would have survived. God bless them all.

Kapag may nakikita ako sa opisina na baklang nagkukunyaring straight, pinipilit kong intindihin.

Mahirap mag-out eh. Alam niyo yan.

Hindi sakit ang pagiging bakla, pero there are times, lalo na pag-heartbroken ako, na winiwish ko na tama si Mama.

Sana nga ang pagiging bakla, pwedeng "gamutin" na tulad lang ng sipon.

Forgive me, fellow gays, for thinking that, pero ganun talaga eh.

Masaya talaga maging bakla, the freedom to express one's self so colorfully, the brilliant homosexuals you meet along the rainbow-colored road, the hot men you have casual flings with; obviously, may perks and priviliges talaga ang pagiging bakla.

Major major proud akong maging bakla. And I love the fact na kaya ko siyang ipagsigawan.

Pero sometimes, like in my case, coming out comes with a high price.

Iniisip ko madalas, saan kayo ako mag-papasko ngayong taon? Mag-babagong taon? Ano kayang ginagawa ng pamilya ko ngayon? Okay kaya sila?

Naiisip kaya nila ako?

Gaya nga ng sabi ko, masaya maging bakla, oo, pero mahirap din ito.

Alam niyo yan.

Posted by callboi 15:25 Archived in Philippines

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Comments

i love it...nakarelate ako sa mga pangyayari. Sarap sarap maging beki lalo na pag madami kang boys...hahaha

by julia G

Bukee, this was very nice. Im sure matutuwa si Potchina syo sa blog na to. For that, im asking permission na irepost ko ito sa FB ko ha? pormal pormalan lang? well, naka polo ka naman ngayon eh so keri na.

by Q_Amidala

sana nga, nagagamot ang pagiging bading... :)

by soltero

Aubrey likes this. *thumbs up*

by aubreybaby

Bokee, I have a friend who used to be the campus crush when we were in college. He hopped from one girlfriend to another. We were not close during those days because my sets of friends belong to the top of the class. He's not comfortable hanging around with us but we stayed in the same boarding house. He and I have occasional talk and I thought he was straight. But I already heard some gossips and teasing that he is a gay. Most of his friend were good looking students also in our school who turned out gays after graduation. I did not mind it. But a month before I was ordained a priest, I was surprised to receive a message from him that he wanted to talk with me. He brought me to a coffee shop and shocked me with this words, "The gossip you've heard about me is true. Please understand me. Can you please help me." I was privilege to be trusted but helpless to deal with the situation. He is living with partner who is a good looking male-nurse and my friend's family doesn't know about this. He and his partner has been living together for almost a couple of years now. I encouraged him to stay in one faithful relationship if it is impossible to abstain from sexual acts. He was a bit promiscuous before that. Now, he is doing well with both business and relationship. He asked me to read your blog so that I can be helped to understand well the plight of people like him and you. I did not realize how heavy was the burden he is carrying. I hope that with me his world and your world will become bigger.

Your sharing is a great help.

by My friend is gay

Father, salamat rin po. :)

by callboi

i was once caught by my mom with erotic magazines - kaso ang difference, yung akin straight magazines (it belonged to my dad)... saka yung nanay ko, nung nakita yung straight porn, tuwang-tuwa sya kasi siguro she was thinking - yey! straight yung anak ko after all... when i saw the look of relief on her face, it just killed me -

by kaloy

grabe... ang bigat ng istorya ng buhay mo... mas mabigat pa sa 'yo!!!

by THE CHAIRMAN

Hi bookie,

I had a relationship before with a closet king. He's very handsome and he tries to act like a real man. There were a lot of gossips already that he's gay. I noticed na rin before through some of his actions that he is gay. I asked him numerous times if he was but he denies it. Somewhat, I think during that time I was also in denial. All the signs were there. He was also close to a lot of gays and a lot of them were flirting with him. Still, I didn't accept it. The last straw was when I caught him spending the night with a gay friend who has been trying to seduce him. After that, our relationship started going haywire. I realized, he was just using me as a front. The story doesn't stop there. We were supposed to break it off easily already. The problem is, I found out I was pregnant with his child. He didn't want it. Ok lang with me that he didn't want me but what hurt the most was he also didn't want the child. To add to it pa, a few days after he found out I was carrying his child, he started dating another woman. Yes, another woman and another cover for his gayness again. He started living with the woman after a few months and the rest is history. Till now, we don't have any communication anymore and he hasn't seen his child. We live in the same city but thank God we haven't bumped into each other even for once. Till now, he continues to hide his true self. I'm not mad at him though because somewhat I understand what he is going through. Somewhat I understand why he finds it hard to just show the real him. Yes, I agree with you, mahirap maging bakla.

by em

hayup! naiyak ako bookie...ewan ko kung bakit hindi naman ako bakla..hahahah..basta..well for me it's been 8yrs already..ayaw mo bang i-try na umuwi? they are still your parents..Kahit ano ka pa..I know walang magulang ang kayang tiisin ang anak..well..we, your friends love you! ok? keep safe! :)

by datingkulot-rebonded_na_ngaun!

na-sad ako bigla

by mandayamoore

i totally agree w/ you. i have a lot of gay friends. hindi rin biro yung "coming out" stage nila. yung iba hindi pa alam ng parents nila kahit ng ibang friends nila. pero xempre hindi cla makakalusot sa gaydar ko...Ü in time, maiintindihan ka rin cguro ng parents mo. mabuti na lang may mga mabubuti kang kaibigan.

by ms. avaya

@Em: Nalungkot ako sa sinulat mo. Hope everything works out for the best with you. *hugs*

@kaloy: peram nung magazine. :-)

@mandaya: cheer up, teh.

@dating-kulot: gaya ng sabi ko, bakla ka. hindi mo lang alam.

@ms. avaya: salamat talaga sa friends ko, and sa readers na rin.

by callboi

@Em: Nakakalungkot naman yung kwento mo. Nakaka inis ang mga lalaking irisponsable lalo na sa pagiging ama ng mga anak nila.

Mahirap maging bakla pero hindi naman siguro ganun ka hirap magpaka tao...

by rumorboy

@rumorboy: Very well said.

by callboi

I CARE! un na. =D

by ayin

Hi Bookie,

I hope your feeling better now. Gay people are wonderful and fabulous. You may feel lonely or sad sometimes but that's just fine, that's life. No matter what happens, be strong. I wish everything will be okay between you and your family. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved and above all, you deserve to be accepted for who and what you are. :)

by shobe

I know someday you'll be together with your family again... You are a good person, gay or not... and it hurts to see you may have accepted yourself, but not them... I'm sure everything will be alright...

by kumagcow

so true bookie..:(
kung may gamot nga lang kahit gano kamahal..pipilitin na bilhin..
but its happy to be like this..
it may look different, but it feels right

by beauice

hi bookie... i saw you in coffee bean a few minutes ago... you look serious so i didn't bother saying hello...

"naiisip ka nila... they may be having a hard time in accepting who you are but believe me, naiisip ka nila..." smile more often, para kang mananapak pag nakasimangot...

hehe.. take care...

by ryle

@Ayin: "Galing sa dodo ng cow!" I still remember this hahaha miss na kita suuuper.

@shobe: Thank you thank you thank you.

@kumagcow: I don't know about me being a good person, pero I do hope everything turns out alright as you say.

@beauice: Happy naman talaga eh, yun lang, may pero...

@ryle: Sana nilapitan mo ako tapos kinyompal kyompal mo ako para masaya hehehe. Next time ha!

by callboi

ako? i will never ever deny or ikakahiya ang pagiging gay ko. its just my opinion

by rusell

Words don't come easy. Ryan, you should know better. Maikli lang ang buhay. What you lose now is forever gone. Mahirap kalaban ang pride. Naghihintay si nanay sa bahay. Uwi na.

by Cowboy

  • *hugs** bookie... gitna palang ng istorya lumuluha na ako... you are what you are and what you are is a wonderful person, a gifted writer and an amazing story teller :D God Bless!

by hobbit

@rusell: you go girl!

@Cowboy: Penge pamasahe.

@hobbit: Thanks, batchmate. :)

by callboi

napadpad na naman ako sa pook-sapot mo. and, heto na naman -- isang true confession entry na sobrang nakarelate talaga ako.

keep it up : )

by chocoprince

Nasad naman ako... bawat linya na binabasa ko parang blade na humihiwa sa puso ko... well masaya talaga pero minsan hindi...

btw, meron ako kapangalan.. hehehe Em din sya.. wala lang..

by M

@callboi - Come on, such a lame excuse. Lumobo ka nga ng ganyan e, wala kang pamasahe? Umuwi ka na and it'll do you good.

by Cowboy

@Cowboy: Obviously, I was kidding. Only a fool or an idiot would have believed that was my excuse. BTW, I find your comment rude and condescending. Please refrain from commenting or even reading my blog. Thank you.

by callboi

My heart goes out to you Bookie!
I can't imagine what you went through (the plight to alienate)...and I applaud you for helping yourself, and others to inspire or whatever.

Sharing your own is what gives this blog its value.
On top of that, you're such a great blogger...
Hope you talk to your mother in depth someday soon...

bon jonee!

by LyndonPaulo

Bookie and Cowboy, nagtarayan.

Hmm...

by pretty

ako di pa naga-out. di pa alam samin. pano ko kaya sisimulan?

by baogers

i suspect my younger bro's a homo, pero pilit nya itinatago kasi conservative ang pamilya namin...i know nahihirapan na cia, though mejo nagkakaramdaman na sa bahay, at ayaw ko naman siya pangunahan na umamin, at gusto naming ipaalam sa kanya na kahit ano pa siya, mahal na mahal namin siya at handa namin siya suportahan. So I guess Bookie, naiisip ka palagi ng pamilya mo at mahal ka nila, gaya nmin na mahal namin ang kapatid namin. God bless! :)

by ambrosia

I can relate! Kudos! Sana marami makabasa nito! I'm sure marami pang mga badette na makakarelate... Just have a positive outlook in life. Malay mo, one of these days they may accept you as who you are.. Hindi naman pagiging salot and isang bakla. Mas mabuti pa nga ang bakla, nakakatulong kesa sa mga STRAIGHT nga pero asa lang sa magulang, ung iba adik pa! Cheers!

by @ph.aegisglobal.com

sad story..cguro talagang nabigla lang si madir..pero try mo kayang umuwi sa inyo bookie?..malay mo yakap at halik ang sumalubang sau..diba??..

- hi ms. avaya :)

by errol

i feel you..but hey, you make people happy and you are a blessing...so stay proud...everyone loves you...including you family...sabi nga, time heals all wounds...im sure they miss you..they just don't know how to reach you :) xoxo

by gatas_000

i honestly am happy that my coming out story is different.
His is very hard because of what happened.
Being gay and all i wish is curable so we have options.
It is not, so we have to either accept it or just be doomed by it.
I hope this friend of yours can get back the life he had with his family. After all, hindi pa huli ang lahat.
And I think it's about time. 8 years is too long.

xoxo,
B

by iambrixx

ooops.
didn't read that correctly, kaw pala yun.
ayun nga, 8 years is just too long.
bumalik ka na or magparamdam ka man lang.
=)

  • hugs

xoxo,
B

by iambrixx

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