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A Confused Virgin...

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Hi Bookie,

I wanted to ask you something hence this e-mail.
I am a 25 year-old male virgin. I am still a virgin not because I'm ugly. It's more of self-control. I believe my looks is passable enough. You see, it's not only my mother who tells me I'm good-looking. I used to join those search/pageant thing in college. They say I resemble Luis Alandy ( I hope you know him). So that makes me the provincial version of Luis Alandy.
I'm from a mountainous province in Visayas but I now work in Makati as accountant. I find my job boring and unglamorous.
This is my dilemma: I'm not really sure if I'm gay or not. Somehow, I don't believe in being bisexual. There are 3 boys in the family; I am the youngest. My older brothers are certified Casanovas. I am the chaste one. I became aware of my homosexual tendency when I was in high school. In the province, we usually go swimming with the barkada in a nearby river. The barkada was usually all boys and I used to join one. During summer, we swam from 9am to 3pm almost every day. We swam without our clothes on - naked that is. Funny thing was, I felt interested in checking out other boys' package - and it was not only for the sake of comparison. I was both confused and ashamed. Confused because I used to watch Rosanna Roces movies and I got sexual fantasies with Osang. Ashamed because I am not comfortable getting attracted to the same sex. I started avoiding those swimming sessions.
The whole thing got worse in college. I attended college far from home so I had to stay in a boarding house. My roommates were all boys. Even in the province, it could really get so hot in the evening when summer was approaching. So we usually slept naked and I get really uncomfortable with it. In the morning, when we rushed for our morning classes, guys would shower together to save time. I did too. Several times, I chose to be late in class.
In college, I got attracted to both girls and guys. I would fantasize about doing it with a certain girl, the next day I would fantasize imagining things with a certain guy and feel so dirty about myself.
I am not being assuming but there were girls who run after me (not the beauty queen types though). I dont know if it was just me but I sensed that I had quite an effect on the same sex too. Gays would hit on me. Worse than that, guys who I believe were straight were flirting with me. I was not born yesterday so I know the difference between flirting and just being over-friendly. Some messages were subtle, some straightforward. I could take it when gays would hit on me (gay professors pinching my butt, getting harassed at the salon by gay beauticians). What I could not take was when straight guys hit on me. It always resulted on one thing: self-loathing. I just hate
myself for getting attracted to the same sex. Bookie, I'm a friendly person but I avoid making frinds with good-looking guys. Just to avoid possible temptation. I try not making friends with gay people too because I see myself on them. I used to work in a BPO company and my gay colleagues would just grab my crotch any time they get an opportunity. I just let them, I did not want to be tagged as KJ or OA.
Bookie, do you think I am gay? And is it really possible that I attract straight guys? Do you think I'm a closet freak?

Love,
Confused 25 year-old virgin

P.S: I am a big fan of yours, Bookie, but I wont ever admit it to anyone. You know why.

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Dear Readers,

I know super-uber-mega-delayed reaction na itong guest blogger entry ko pero better late than never, right?

I received this email from a reader several months ago, and I honestly didn't trust myself enough to respond to it.

Feeling ko kasi, baka maging super-biased ako and not be truthful in my response.

So I thought, why not get someone to respond to this whom I know will be, ehem, brutally honest.

Plus, I wanted my first ever guest blogger to be someone who has truly inspired me, blog-wise.

Ever since mabasa ko ang isang entry niya, I was hooked. I can only dream of my blog being as funny as his.

Pangarap ko rin na pumunta ng Davao para lang makasama siya, and his colorful friends, sa isang inuman.

So, first the email.

Next, ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and privileged to introduce you to my first guest blogger...

...Ms. Mandaya Moore.

P.S.

His responses are in parentheses, in upper-case, and in bold. I can only wish someone back then, during my days as a closet queen, had knocked some sense into me like he did in this letter.

Hi Bookie,

I wanted to ask you something hence this e-mail.
I am a 25 year-old male virgin. I am still a virgin not because I'm ugly. (KAHIT PANGIT MAY KARAPATANG MA-DEVIRGINIZE, MASAKTAN AT DUGUIN) It's more of self-control. (ARE YOU LAURA BRANIGAN?) I believe my looks is passable enough. You see, it's not only my mother who tells me I'm good-looking. I used to join those search/pageant thing in college. (ANONG KLASENG SEARCH ITO? FOR MALE? FOR FEMALE?) They say I resemble Luis Alandy ( I hope you know him). So that makes me the provincial version of Luis Alandy. (MEDYO TYPE KO SI LUIS ALANDY. DI KO MA-VISUALIZE ANG PROVINCIAL VERSION NYA? ITO NA YUNG MAY DALANG BAYONG, MANOK AT MAY HATAK-HATAK NA KALABAW?)
I'm from a mountainous province in Visayas but I now work in Makati as accountant. I find my job boring and unglamorous. (OK LANG ANG MA-BORE, BUT THERE’S NO EXCUSE TO BEING UNGLAMOROUS. GO SHOPPING DEAR.)

This is my dilemma: I'm not really sure if I'm gay or not. Somehow, I don't believe in being bisexual. There are 3 boys in the family; I am the youngest. My older brothers are certified Casanovas. I am the chaste one. I became aware of my homosexual tendency when I was in high school. In the province, we usually go swimming with the barkada in a nearby river. The barkada was usually all boys and I used to join one. During summer, we swam from 9am to 3pm almost every day. We swam without our clothes on - naked that is. Funny thing was, I felt interested in checking out other boys' package - and it was not only for the sake of comparison. I was both confused and ashamed. Confused because I used to watch Rosanna Roces movies and I got sexual fantasies with Osang. Ashamed because I am not comfortable getting attracted to the same sex. I started avoiding those swimming sessions. (MALINIS BA ANG ILOG? BAKA ITO ANG DAHILAN SA CONFUSION MO. KASI NAMAN, WHILE CHECKING YOUR BARKADA’S NAKANGANGA KA, BAKA NAPARAMI ANG NAIMOM MONG TUBIG, THUS THE CONFUSION AND SHAME. ROSANNA ROCES? SA ANONG FILM NYA? DAHIL SA KAARTEHAN MO, DI KA NA TULOY MARUNONG LUMANGOY)

The whole thing got worse in college. I attended college far from home so I had to stay in a boarding house. My roommates were all boys. Even in the province, it could really get so hot in the evening when summer was approaching. So we usually slept naked and I get really uncomfortable with it. In the morning, when we rushed for our morning classes, guys would shower together to save time. I did too. Several times, I chose to be late in class. (WALA BANG ELECTRIC FAN SA BOARDING HOUSE NYO? NOONG COLLEGE AKO, SA YMCA DORMITORY—SA LIKOD NG MANILA CITY HALL --AKO TUMIRA. COMMUNAL ANG SHOWERS DON. NEVER AKONG NA-LATE SA KLASE. AT, DI LANG KAMI HUBAD KUNG MATULOG, MINSAN MAY ORGY DIN KAMI)

In college, I got attracted to both girls and guys. I would fantasize about doing it with a certain girl, the next day I would fantasize imagining things with a certain guy and feel so dirty about myself. (GANITO KASI, WHEN YOU IMAGINE DOING IT WITH EITHER A GIRL OR A BOY, WAG KANG GUGULONG-GULONG SA PUTIK)

I am not being assuming but there were girls who run after me (not the beauty queen types though). I dont know if it was just me but I sensed that I had quite an effect on the same sex too. Gays would hit on me. Worse than that, guys who I believe were straight were flirting with me. I was not born yesterday so I know the difference between flirting and just being over-friendly. Some messages were subtle, some straightforward. I could take it when gays would hit on me (gay professors pinching my butt, getting harassed at the salon by gay beauticians). What I could not take was when straight guys hit on me. It always resulted on one thing: self-loathing. I just hate
myself for getting attracted to the same sex. (PAKI-CHECK NGA, BAKA NAMAN DI KA KAMUKHA NI LUIS ALANDY. BAKA NAMAN MUKHA KANG K_K_ SA ISANG SIDE AT T_T_ SA KABILA)

Bookie, I'm a friendly person but I avoid making friends with good-looking guys. Just to avoid possible temptation. (DI LANG GOOD-LOOKING GUYS ANG MASARAP, PATI MGA DI KAGANDAHAN. IN FACT, YUNG MGA MAHIHIRAP AT DI NAGTE-TAKE NG VITAMINS, MAS MALALAKI SILA).

I try not making friends with gay people too because I see myself on them. I used to work in a BPO company and my gay colleagues would just grab my crotch any time they get an opportunity. I just let them, I did not want to be tagged as KJ or OA. (HINDI KA NGA KJ O OA, EASY-TO-GET KA NAMAN. KONTING PAPRESYO NAMAN. AYAW NI LUIS ALANDY NG GANYAN)

Bookie, do you think I am gay? And is it really possible that I attract straight guys? Do you think I'm a closet freak? (YOU ARE GAY. IF STRAIGHT GUYS ARE ATTRACTED TO YOU, THEY ARE NOT AT ALL STRAIGHT. I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A CLOSET FREAK. YOU ARE A FREAK OUT OF THE CLOSET. MAY CARNABAL SA AMIN—MALAPIT NA KASI ANG FIESTA – APPLY KA)

Love,
Confused 25 year-old virgin

P.S: I am a big fan of yours, Bookie, but I wont ever admit it to anyone. You know why.

(P.S. MAG-INGAT KAY BOOKIE, MANIAC SYA, AND HE WON’T EVER ADMIT IT TO ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHY)

========================================
Feel free to shoot me in the face, or shoot me an email:
akosicallboi@gmail.com

Posted by callboi 22:29 Archived in Philippines Tagged gay_travel

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Comments

Love it! fan rin ako ni mandaya!

by lady_gaga

Hahaha! Galing naman, may sikat kang guest na blogger! Sana mag-collaborate kayong dalawa!

by chris_tian

Wooot! Natawa ako ng sobra.

Congrats on this, both of you!

by john_lloyd

hahahaha! ang sama ko!

by mandayamoore

Gay written all over. When you're 25 and you're still "confused," you're not confused. You're in denial.

At hindi rin naman niya masyadong pinagsisigawan sa buong e-mail na "may itsura ako," diba? Get a life, sweety. A mirror is not you're only possible friend, y'know. (A whole kikay kit could be too, hihihi!)

by pretty

@pretty: Malay mo naman cutie talaga siya. Feeling ko hottie siya. :)

@Confused Virgin: Sweetie, I've always believed that a person knows whether he's gay or not. Being confused is jut a smokescreen we put up when we can't accept the fact of our homosexuality.

So stop being confused. If you're gay, then you're gay. Live it, love it, learn it.

by callboi

@Bookie: May punto ka, baka nga... pero baka rin hindi, hihihi! :P

Anyway, sa tingin ko siya yung tipo ng lalaki na alam na ng mundo na bakla siya, siya na lang ang hindi. Tapos 'pag tinanong mo, mamamatay sa pagtanggi. Pero habang nag-uusap kayo, di mo sinasadya at mapapatitig ka na lang sa kanya kasi makapal pa ang lip balm niya sa'yo. Kalokah, hihihi!

@Mandaya: Tarush mo! Gusto ko yan. ;)

by pretty

@Callboi: Yes i agree to you...

@Confuesed Virgin:identity crisis? at 25? I dont think so pare... I know that you know what you wanted but you are trying to make yourself believe that you are not "gay". There's nothing wrong in being gay for as long as you still respect yourself. It is not on thelabel but it is how you handle yourself... You just need to have a good support group (Confidante) for you to share your kilig moments without any hesitations. I perfectly understand how you feel because i was once in your place. Just feel free to send me email pare if you have something to share... Goodluck!!!

by Virgin_boy

One thing I learned during college on sex and sexuality is that once you hit the young adult stage, you should have already a concrete idea on what your preference really is. In books it usually starts at 18 till 25 but some it's 15 to 29 so personal discretion would be the basis here.

Being gay in the country still represents a social stigma.

We don't consider it as a disease nor is it contagious, but some close-minded people think so negatively of it.

I suggest taking some time off with only you and yourself to think things through.

I hope you find the courage to know what you really are.

And as much as possible scratch labels and stereotypes...

by guyrony

Hindi lahat ng gay nasa parlor at mahaba buhok... (no pun intended)

Kasi....

Minsan may mga gay na accountant at nagtatrabaho sa Makati...

Heheheh =P Ganyan kayo sa Makati LOL

Nothing wrong with that, just accept it as Bookie and Mandaya says... =)

by kumagcow

@confused_virgin: i think it all boils down to acceptance. growing up with "more" masculine siblings can really affect the way that you percieve your feelings, but by now, like what they are saying, you already know your preference; you just haven't reconciled yourself to the fact that you "might" be gay.

one more thing, mandaya's right, every once in a
while, we get bored with our jobs. BUT being UNGLAMOROUS is a choice...

@mandaya: PANALO KA 'TE!. aylabyu talaga...

@bookie: i-setup mo naman ako kay #2 sa TTM... hehehe...

cheers!

by Ryle

natawa ako dun sa " we swam without our clothes on - naked that is" duh! ahahhaa ..natawa lng naman, tao lng po ehhehe..

anyways, klangan pa ba nman itanong yan kung gay sya ahahah...(hmm baket di ko naranasan yang communal showers nung college? kainis di kc ako nag dorm bwahha! :P)

bigay mo saken number nya, ma devirginize na yan! LOL :P

by soltero

Mandaya!!! Bihira ko nang mabasa blog niya...dito ko na pala siya makikita uli. Bongga!

Eto lang...sa ganang akin lang...nagpapadelisyus lang si letter sender. Choz!!!

I'm sure bago pa man siya na-confuse...na-confirm na ng lahat ang preference niya.

Pero dahil nga sa liham na iyan ay napasagot si Mandaya...bongga na yan. Panalong-panalong-panalo!

by domeng_zu

Gay people calling one another "pare" albeit unnaturally delivered is so... how should I put it?... Mmm... cliche? Hihihi! Peace. >:D

by pretty

I've read Mandaya's blog at gusto ko rin ang humor nya!

@Pretty: I like your comment! Like lang ng Like parang FB!

There are some guys who think they're still inside the closet when in fact eh sarili na lang yata nya ang hindi nakaka alam na bading sya. hihi

@Virgin_boy: Mahirap talaga ang malagay sa ganyang sitwasyon. If you're still in the stage of denial eh dpat by now eh mag move on ka na.. Reading you say "pare" makes me shiver.. =p

Sayang ang Luis Alandi looks mo nyan! Go out and enjoy life. There's nothing wrong with accepting who you are. It's how you keri yourself. As in kung paano mo dadalhin sarili mo.

As Bookie puts it, "Closets are for clothes."

by rumorboy

@rumorboy: Hymen! ;)

by pretty

oh my god! that was hilarious!!!!!!...i read both your blogs.. keep it up.

by pinkblink03

Hindi ko kinaya ang mga sagot ni Mandaya Moore aysolavet!!!!! hahaha :p for sure naliwanagan na ang email sender hihihii :p

by missindia

i'm bi and my friends think i'm straight. i never had any sexual encounters, at least no yet, pero i can say na napaka-pathetic na man ni email sender.

it's sad when u r in the closet, but it's another thing when u do not admit to urself na u r in the closet nga.

confused_virgin, tragic naman ng case mo. epic fail dude, epic fail! XD peace out to y'all

by Arkrey

I so love it!!! Mandaya and Bookie's marriage in a blog post - priceless!!!!

love you both!

by fulibooked

To the email sender - @ 25 virgin ka pa? eh beklush ka nga teh! anuber....walang tunay na lalake at makakatiis na walang jerjer anoh!!!! hihihi

Mandaya - Im ur fan...i have finished reading ur entire blog...si kulot!!!! hihihihi

by Snowy

@ kumagcow: nobody cares if your puns were intended... :p

by LyndonPaul

come out and be proud live your life kasi life is too short baka later on dami mo regrets dahil sa pa confused confused mo wala ng ganyan go go na i love gay im a gay lover

by asiandeli

confused_virgin - it's okay to be a virgin... and it's okay to be gay... ^_^

I understand that you may not be ready to come out yet but your biological clock is ticking... ^_^

p.s. -- Naloloka pala talaga ako sa mga badets na mahilig gamitin ang word na "PARE"!!!

by M

@M: ...or "dude" or "bro"! Kalokah talaga diba? Lalo na 'pag ang lamya ng pagkakasambit. Parang gusto mo kutusan yung taong yon kase masaket sa tenga yung pagkaka-deliver. Sana magkaron ng batas laban sa ganyan.

Galit lang? Hahaha! :P

by pretty

@confused_virgin -- Wag ka nga naman magpa-gulong gulong sa putikan so you won't feel dirty! haha

WINNER ka tlga Mandaya!

^__^v

by Nautical

major major confused ka ba o major confused lang?..lol

by 3rdsex

I love it! panalo ang sagot sa email! natawa ako sobra!

by Darkmaster

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