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A Confused Virgin...

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Hi Bookie,

I wanted to ask you something hence this e-mail.
I am a 25 year-old male virgin. I am still a virgin not because I'm ugly. It's more of self-control. I believe my looks is passable enough. You see, it's not only my mother who tells me I'm good-looking. I used to join those search/pageant thing in college. They say I resemble Luis Alandy ( I hope you know him). So that makes me the provincial version of Luis Alandy.
I'm from a mountainous province in Visayas but I now work in Makati as accountant. I find my job boring and unglamorous.
This is my dilemma: I'm not really sure if I'm gay or not. Somehow, I don't believe in being bisexual. There are 3 boys in the family; I am the youngest. My older brothers are certified Casanovas. I am the chaste one. I became aware of my homosexual tendency when I was in high school. In the province, we usually go swimming with the barkada in a nearby river. The barkada was usually all boys and I used to join one. During summer, we swam from 9am to 3pm almost every day. We swam without our clothes on - naked that is. Funny thing was, I felt interested in checking out other boys' package - and it was not only for the sake of comparison. I was both confused and ashamed. Confused because I used to watch Rosanna Roces movies and I got sexual fantasies with Osang. Ashamed because I am not comfortable getting attracted to the same sex. I started avoiding those swimming sessions.
The whole thing got worse in college. I attended college far from home so I had to stay in a boarding house. My roommates were all boys. Even in the province, it could really get so hot in the evening when summer was approaching. So we usually slept naked and I get really uncomfortable with it. In the morning, when we rushed for our morning classes, guys would shower together to save time. I did too. Several times, I chose to be late in class.
In college, I got attracted to both girls and guys. I would fantasize about doing it with a certain girl, the next day I would fantasize imagining things with a certain guy and feel so dirty about myself.
I am not being assuming but there were girls who run after me (not the beauty queen types though). I dont know if it was just me but I sensed that I had quite an effect on the same sex too. Gays would hit on me. Worse than that, guys who I believe were straight were flirting with me. I was not born yesterday so I know the difference between flirting and just being over-friendly. Some messages were subtle, some straightforward. I could take it when gays would hit on me (gay professors pinching my butt, getting harassed at the salon by gay beauticians). What I could not take was when straight guys hit on me. It always resulted on one thing: self-loathing. I just hate
myself for getting attracted to the same sex. Bookie, I'm a friendly person but I avoid making frinds with good-looking guys. Just to avoid possible temptation. I try not making friends with gay people too because I see myself on them. I used to work in a BPO company and my gay colleagues would just grab my crotch any time they get an opportunity. I just let them, I did not want to be tagged as KJ or OA.
Bookie, do you think I am gay? And is it really possible that I attract straight guys? Do you think I'm a closet freak?

Love,
Confused 25 year-old virgin

P.S: I am a big fan of yours, Bookie, but I wont ever admit it to anyone. You know why.

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Dear Readers,

I know super-uber-mega-delayed reaction na itong guest blogger entry ko pero better late than never, right?

I received this email from a reader several months ago, and I honestly didn't trust myself enough to respond to it.

Feeling ko kasi, baka maging super-biased ako and not be truthful in my response.

So I thought, why not get someone to respond to this whom I know will be, ehem, brutally honest.

Plus, I wanted my first ever guest blogger to be someone who has truly inspired me, blog-wise.

Ever since mabasa ko ang isang entry niya, I was hooked. I can only dream of my blog being as funny as his.

Pangarap ko rin na pumunta ng Davao para lang makasama siya, and his colorful friends, sa isang inuman.

So, first the email.

Next, ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and privileged to introduce you to my first guest blogger...

...Ms. Mandaya Moore.

P.S.

His responses are in parentheses, in upper-case, and in bold. I can only wish someone back then, during my days as a closet queen, had knocked some sense into me like he did in this letter.

Hi Bookie,

I wanted to ask you something hence this e-mail.
I am a 25 year-old male virgin. I am still a virgin not because I'm ugly. (KAHIT PANGIT MAY KARAPATANG MA-DEVIRGINIZE, MASAKTAN AT DUGUIN) It's more of self-control. (ARE YOU LAURA BRANIGAN?) I believe my looks is passable enough. You see, it's not only my mother who tells me I'm good-looking. I used to join those search/pageant thing in college. (ANONG KLASENG SEARCH ITO? FOR MALE? FOR FEMALE?) They say I resemble Luis Alandy ( I hope you know him). So that makes me the provincial version of Luis Alandy. (MEDYO TYPE KO SI LUIS ALANDY. DI KO MA-VISUALIZE ANG PROVINCIAL VERSION NYA? ITO NA YUNG MAY DALANG BAYONG, MANOK AT MAY HATAK-HATAK NA KALABAW?)
I'm from a mountainous province in Visayas but I now work in Makati as accountant. I find my job boring and unglamorous. (OK LANG ANG MA-BORE, BUT THERE’S NO EXCUSE TO BEING UNGLAMOROUS. GO SHOPPING DEAR.)

This is my dilemma: I'm not really sure if I'm gay or not. Somehow, I don't believe in being bisexual. There are 3 boys in the family; I am the youngest. My older brothers are certified Casanovas. I am the chaste one. I became aware of my homosexual tendency when I was in high school. In the province, we usually go swimming with the barkada in a nearby river. The barkada was usually all boys and I used to join one. During summer, we swam from 9am to 3pm almost every day. We swam without our clothes on - naked that is. Funny thing was, I felt interested in checking out other boys' package - and it was not only for the sake of comparison. I was both confused and ashamed. Confused because I used to watch Rosanna Roces movies and I got sexual fantasies with Osang. Ashamed because I am not comfortable getting attracted to the same sex. I started avoiding those swimming sessions. (MALINIS BA ANG ILOG? BAKA ITO ANG DAHILAN SA CONFUSION MO. KASI NAMAN, WHILE CHECKING YOUR BARKADA’S NAKANGANGA KA, BAKA NAPARAMI ANG NAIMOM MONG TUBIG, THUS THE CONFUSION AND SHAME. ROSANNA ROCES? SA ANONG FILM NYA? DAHIL SA KAARTEHAN MO, DI KA NA TULOY MARUNONG LUMANGOY)

The whole thing got worse in college. I attended college far from home so I had to stay in a boarding house. My roommates were all boys. Even in the province, it could really get so hot in the evening when summer was approaching. So we usually slept naked and I get really uncomfortable with it. In the morning, when we rushed for our morning classes, guys would shower together to save time. I did too. Several times, I chose to be late in class. (WALA BANG ELECTRIC FAN SA BOARDING HOUSE NYO? NOONG COLLEGE AKO, SA YMCA DORMITORY—SA LIKOD NG MANILA CITY HALL --AKO TUMIRA. COMMUNAL ANG SHOWERS DON. NEVER AKONG NA-LATE SA KLASE. AT, DI LANG KAMI HUBAD KUNG MATULOG, MINSAN MAY ORGY DIN KAMI)

In college, I got attracted to both girls and guys. I would fantasize about doing it with a certain girl, the next day I would fantasize imagining things with a certain guy and feel so dirty about myself. (GANITO KASI, WHEN YOU IMAGINE DOING IT WITH EITHER A GIRL OR A BOY, WAG KANG GUGULONG-GULONG SA PUTIK)

I am not being assuming but there were girls who run after me (not the beauty queen types though). I dont know if it was just me but I sensed that I had quite an effect on the same sex too. Gays would hit on me. Worse than that, guys who I believe were straight were flirting with me. I was not born yesterday so I know the difference between flirting and just being over-friendly. Some messages were subtle, some straightforward. I could take it when gays would hit on me (gay professors pinching my butt, getting harassed at the salon by gay beauticians). What I could not take was when straight guys hit on me. It always resulted on one thing: self-loathing. I just hate
myself for getting attracted to the same sex. (PAKI-CHECK NGA, BAKA NAMAN DI KA KAMUKHA NI LUIS ALANDY. BAKA NAMAN MUKHA KANG K_K_ SA ISANG SIDE AT T_T_ SA KABILA)

Bookie, I'm a friendly person but I avoid making friends with good-looking guys. Just to avoid possible temptation. (DI LANG GOOD-LOOKING GUYS ANG MASARAP, PATI MGA DI KAGANDAHAN. IN FACT, YUNG MGA MAHIHIRAP AT DI NAGTE-TAKE NG VITAMINS, MAS MALALAKI SILA).

I try not making friends with gay people too because I see myself on them. I used to work in a BPO company and my gay colleagues would just grab my crotch any time they get an opportunity. I just let them, I did not want to be tagged as KJ or OA. (HINDI KA NGA KJ O OA, EASY-TO-GET KA NAMAN. KONTING PAPRESYO NAMAN. AYAW NI LUIS ALANDY NG GANYAN)

Bookie, do you think I am gay? And is it really possible that I attract straight guys? Do you think I'm a closet freak? (YOU ARE GAY. IF STRAIGHT GUYS ARE ATTRACTED TO YOU, THEY ARE NOT AT ALL STRAIGHT. I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A CLOSET FREAK. YOU ARE A FREAK OUT OF THE CLOSET. MAY CARNABAL SA AMIN—MALAPIT NA KASI ANG FIESTA – APPLY KA)

Love,
Confused 25 year-old virgin

P.S: I am a big fan of yours, Bookie, but I wont ever admit it to anyone. You know why.

(P.S. MAG-INGAT KAY BOOKIE, MANIAC SYA, AND HE WON’T EVER ADMIT IT TO ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHY)

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Feel free to shoot me in the face, or shoot me an email:
akosicallboi@gmail.com

Posted by callboi 22:29 Archived in Philippines Tagged gay_travel

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