20.08.2007 -17 °C
"You walked down with me, back to the Jeep, and we were goofing, we were dancing. I kissed you, said 'later.' And then you turned around and smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine."
- Brian Kinney, Queer as Folk
I've been single for quite some time now. In fact, it's been so long that I no longer remember how it feels to have someone beside you almost all the time.
I kinda miss having someone laugh at my jokes no matter how corny they are. I miss having that one person who is almost always happy to see you. I miss the comfortable silences.
My friend, Amorsolo, keeps ranting to me, "When will I get another boyfriend?"
And in turn, I keep telling him, "Patience is a virtue." At which point Amorsolo would then recount all the failed relationships he's ever had and how it wasn't his fault why it failed each and everytime.
Truth be told, I'm tired of being single. I've had a lot of problems lately and most of the times, I can't help but wish I had someone to help me deal with them.
Don't get me wrong, my friends are a big help to me and I would just die if I didn't have them.
But you know how a boyfriend or girlfriend can be different from friends.
Sometimes, when I talk to myself, which is pretty frequent (and makes me look crazy), I ask myself, "Why do you need a boyfriend? You're smart. You're capable. You have tons of friends. Having a boyfriend would just complicate things. You know how miserable you get to be once a relationship of yours ends."
A little voice inside my head whispers in response, "Maybe I like to complicate things. Maybe I'm addicted to the misery. Maybe, all the sadness and stress is worth the happiness you get when your special someone smiles at you or laughs with you or holds your hand or tells you that you look great, even though you know you don't."
Dear readers, you might ask, "Buquir, are you in love?"
Sadly, happily, I am.
You see, I have this problem of falling in love with close friends of mine... They show me the smallest amount of compassion and empathy... and my heart just melts.
I have tried curing myself of this handicap but I just can't.
And so, this time, Sunshine is the victim of my ultimately doomed feelings of love.
Sunshine is awfully sweet to me (which makes it harder for me to try and deny my feelings).
He has always watched out for me and has given me numerous advice (some of which I tend to disregard, ahihihi).
Sunshine, dear readers, is in love with someone else. And I do believe his love for that person is the real thing.
Don't get me wrong, I never wanted to be in a relationship with Sunshine. It's totally enough for me to be his friend.
But sometimes... sometimes, a "girl" can dream.