The other day, I woke up and wasn't able to get out of bed immediately. My stomach muscles (yes, may muscles ang stomach ko, hindi nga lang halata!) were extremely stiff and painful.
At first, I couldn't figure out why. For some weird reason, ang pumasok sa isip ko, Shet! May STD ako! Then I slapped myself. Kung may STD man ako, hindi sa tiyan mararamdaman yun, I guess.
That's when I remembered that She-ra had forced me to attend this yoga class in Paseo the day before and now I was reaping the rewards of stretching exaggeratedly in front of sweaty strangers.
I remember it well... There were about twenty of us in the class. Lahat halos sila mukhang mga commercial models ng Fit and Right. Samantalang ako naman mukhang model ng Minola Oil.
The first position was this:
Our Yoga teacher, some guy whose name I couldn't understand (it kinda sounded like "Subpoena"), said, "Dees ees our eestarteeng poseesyun. Eet ees called Suka ni Nina."
Well, actually, it wasn't really called Suka ni Nina. It just sounded like that. So, we were supposed to sit cross-legged, with our hands on our knees for fifteen minutes, while focusing on our breathing.
"Narerelax ka na ba?" She-ra asked me.
"Masakit na yung paa ko. Manhid pa mga legs ko," I replied, already sweating.
"Nangangalay na likod ko," ang sagot naman ng bakla.
Subpoena then informed us that the next position was called the Dog and Cat.
Basically, ang panimulang position niya, parang dog-style.
Pareho naming nakuha agad ni She-ra ang position. In fact, we got it perfectly. Sanay ba?
"Beree goood, you two! You got eet jaas right!" Subpoena applauded us both.
"Marse, kaya ko tong position na ito for four hours straight," ang pagyayabang ng She-ra.
"Kadiri ka!" I exclaimed, laughing.
"Asus, ang linis mo eh!" he teased back.
Subpoena continued on, "Now daat ees called da Dog. From da Dog, we shall transition eento da Cat. As you exhaaale, reverse the bend of your spinal, tilt your pelvis down, draw the spine back up, and pull the chest and stomach in. Do dees seberal times."
"Ano daw?!" I whispered.
"Igiling mo daw katawan mo habang nakatuwad..." She-ra answered, at totoo nga, gumigiling ang lola mo habanng naka-doggy style. Parang porno lang. Natawa na talaga ako ng malakas at napagalitan pa ni Master Subpoena.
I'm not sure, but I think this standing position was called the Tadasana or Todaskana.
"Todas Ka Na? Yun ba ang sabi niya?" I asked.
"Do I look like I'm listening?" She-ra replied, he was apparently too busy throwing flirtatious looks at Master Subpoena.
"You are sooo unbelievable," I said.
"Dees ees called the Uttanasana", informed Master Subpoena.
"Ututan Ka Sana raw!" She-ra whispered.
"Gaga!" I answered, as I was desperately trying to reach my feet, kaso nakaharang yung tiyan ko. Ang hirap! Che!
"Ano namang position ito, dyosko!" I said, exasperated and tired already.
"Dees poseetion builds strength and awareness!" Master Subpoena instructed.
"Awareness? Awareness ng ano? Awareness ng pagkabakla?" She-ra said.
"Awareness na puwede kang magmukhang bakla and tanga at the same time?" I asked.
"Awareness na sayang talaga binayad ko dito sa class na ito?" She-ra added.
According to Master Subpoena, this position was called something like Ardha Extravaganza, am not sure talaga kung anong spelling.
"There is no fucking way I'm doing that position..." I said.
"Bakit naman? Mukha siyang exciting!" She-ra said, already trying to attempt to do it.
"Sa bigat kong ito? Baka mabali leeg ko no?" I replied.
"Dees ees the Bridge!" Master Subpoena said.
"Ay shet, nakabukol yung sa kaniya!" She-ra pointed out. Anlakas ng boses pa ng lola niyo. Andami tuloy natawa.
"Pakshit wag ka maingay," ang sabi ko naman.
"Da final position ees called The Corpse!"
Nagkatinginan kami ni She-ra.
"Corpse?" She-ra said, giggling, "As in bangkay?"
"Corpse talaga?" natawa na talaga ako, "Ah eto kayang kaya ko."