Dear beautiful readers,
This is quite a long email from a fan but I hope you'll read it through. It's really quite... interesting, ahehehe. I loved reading it and I hope you do, too. Plus, I'm curious as to what advise you would give to him.
Read on....
- bookie -
- *************************
hi bookie!
I don’t know if I need your advice, the advice of your most ‘expert’ friends or I just want someone to listen. Ewan ko. I’ve been reading your blog from the oldest entries up until the latest ones just to get through my shift on the 5th floor. Ang galing mo talaga, bookie! I want to tell you that personally kaso I’m easily intimidated with people that have a strong persona or loud voice, ehehe. Anyway, napapagod na kasi ako sa office and what’s worse is kahit mababait ang officemates ko (which is the normal excuse why some of us can’t leave) I never really had close ones kaya it really doesn’t help (no offense po, iba lang kasi yung mabait sila and at the same time kaibigang matalik mo rin and that their feelings would truly matter to you if ever you decide to leave). Kaya yun your blog is like a bible to me. Para bang isa na sa mga tools ko na binubuksan eh yung URL mo. So yun nga, in the end, I’m still the bored boring loner na gusto pa ring umalis. I’m hanging by the thread and slowly slipping away. Malamang kilala mo ako. I’m the ugly / loner ‘TE agent (yes bookie, pareho tayong may self-esteem problem, kidding!) na nasa sulok palagi. I think napagkamalan din akong in-the-closet but I’m not. I just don’t talk much kaya people think I was.
Ang haba ng opening ko no? Ang daming satsat. The thing is, medyo hardcore ang sasabihin ko, so I want you to at least feel familiar with me, kahit konti. Bakit ‘medyo’ hardcore? Read along.
It’s about this cute guy I saw in a social networking site (not the one you always mention on your blog {although, I’m a member of that too!} G4M ata or gayromeo yung madalas mong i-mention, ewan ko). He sent me a message replying to a message I’ve sent him weeks ago. He gave his number. Excited naman ako. Katatapos ko lang sabihin, through text, sa isang guy na na-meet ko sa G4M (at na-EB ko sa glorietta) na ayoko munang makipag-relasyon kasi natatakot pa akong makipagrelasyon (na totoo naman) pero ang dahilan talaga eh alang spark. Ayoko maniwala sa spark noon pero parang totoo pala. Ehehe. Pero pagkatapos na pagkatapos noon eh inimail ko agad si cute guy! Ang sama no? naging choosy pa ako eh ang pangit ko naman. (ang sama ko talaga, shet!) eh gusto ko yung isa eh. And so we decided to meet.
This is the second time na nakipagmeet ako using a dating site. 1st was with G4M guy, 2nd was this cute guy from another site. Nagdecide kami magmeet sa place ko sa vito cruz after ko magwork. Dayoff niya so masaya! Up until then at least.
Nung nagkita kami. Casual. Usap. Lunch. The works! Nanood kami ng corny dvd tapos, nacornihan kami. We decided to sleep. Na syempre hindi naman talaga sleep.
When we were doing the foreplay. Sobrang aggressive ko. Hindi ko akalain. Kasi ang alam ko as gayromeo account ko ‘more bottom’ ang nilagay ko. Yun ang lagi kong naiimagine kapag naghahanap na ako ng tipo ko. yung submissive ako. Now, Before I tell you the rest of the story please be reminded that I’m a virgin. The last intimate thing I did was French kiss with a US marine at Cebu on December 1, 2007 na may ka-live in na hooker (biro mo? mangaagaw lang ako sa hooker pa. ehehehe!). So parang kailangnan ko na talaga. Ahahaha! So balik tayo dun sa sobrang aggressive part. Yun na, hindi sya makahinga. Nakahiga kasi sya eh. Nadaganan ko ata masyado. Ginawa ko agad yung gusto kong gawin. Ang kumain ng Hungarian. Muwahaha! Sobrang ang tagal kong gusto gawin yun na I want him to finish right there, at that position. Pero he gave me a signal to slow down, ayaw niyang matapos agad. When he was about to give me a ‘head’. That bad thing happened. Let’s put it this way… my genitals failed me. Kaya ko sabing ‘medyo’ kanina kasi we never really finished.
I don’t know what happened, bookie. I liked him. I know he tried his best pero wala talagang ‘sale’. Ehehe. After minutes. Nakita ko sa kanya ang disappointed look. Ang tagal kong inantay yun. Bakit ganun? Ewan ko. Aargh! I tried to ask myself anung rason. Here are the possibilities:
1. 24 hours na akong gising before we did it. I’ve asked a healthy hetero-guy. He said he still could do it kung merong available. Well, he’s a guy and I’m gay, he’s healthy and I smoke 7 cigs a shift as my food. You judge. Tanungin mo nga gay friends mo. What’s their take on this?
2. Mahiyain ako. That’s my nature. Most or the time I couldn’t even urinate at the urinal. Kailangan sa cubicle, otherwise, hindi talaga ako makakaihi. Hindi ko pa ata kayang maging hubad sa harap ng tao. Anu pang ikakahiya ko eh hubo’t hubad nako nun. Shet.
3. I’m neurotic. A bit. Just my own diagnosis. I tend to think of my problems more and more. I would tend to have both daydreams and nightmares of one specific frustration. Like the recent one I’ve been telling my friends. I lie awake (and when I say lie awake I MEAN lie awake, no moving-out-of-bed-stuff) for more that six hours thinking when will I be able to buy my dream PC. That same early morning after I fell asleep I had a nightmare that I was being robbed-off my ‘dream’ PC and I woke up screaming and sweaty. Ayaw na talaga akong patulugin ng mga frustrations ko, and that's just one of 'em. Sabi nila when you’re doing the deed, focus on the pleasure, don’t think of anything else. Hindi ko ata kaya. From the way I’m itemizing these possibilities, you can bet I’m still neurotic about what happened and OC too!
4. A best friend of mine said: ‘you need to focus on your pleasure first’ sex is not just about the other but it’s about you too. Medyo tama sya because I was only focusing on his pleasure then. Ni hindi ko nga inimagine kung ano ang gagawin nya sakin eh.
5. Another friend told me that it’s about trust. Being that I’m a shy guy, I need to build trust through long-term relationships before I do it. Sa pagkakakilala nya raw sakin I’m not the type daw na mag-oopen up agad socially, maybe it applies to my sexual life as well. We need to take it slow, parang ganuna ata. I really can’t tell ‘cause it’s my first.
6. Baka naman lalaki ako at gusto ko talaga ng tahong… eeew (NO,NO,NO! Ayoko!)
7. O baka naman ‘Madonna Whore’ syndrome. Yung tipong hinahangaan mo lang kasi ang gwapo, ang ganda ng katawan pero sobrang nirerespeto mo na ayaw mong bastusin. Imposible… sinubo ko na yung Hungarian eh anu pang respeto dun. Ehehehe.
8. O baka baog ako. Hindi ko ata kaya tanggapin ‘to.
Ang daming possibleng dahilan at lahat naglalaro sa isip ko ngayon. I was lucky that he is willing to stay with me ‘till we work it out. As of the meantime nagpipigil muna ako hanggang magkita kami ulit. Baka kailangan ko lang ma-excite. Ang daming kong sinabing dahilan na baka nasagot ko na ang sarili kong tanong pero, your opinion would still matter to me bookie. Kahit hindi kita nakakausap sa ops.
Send me a message with your answer! 
Cheers!
Kalungkutan101
Dear Kalungkutan101,
First of all, let me tell you that I really enjoyed reading your letter. It was... refreshing, to say the least. 
Ang haba ng email mo, marse. I definitely sense the neuroses and OC-ness in you.
I won't try to guess who you are sa team natin, pero I have a vague idea na.
Anyway, in regards to your failure to "raise the flag", something you wrote kinda struck me as the possible reason for it.
Marami kang reasons na na-propose pero I think they are just the footnotes of the real problem.
Sabi mo di ba you're more of a bottom, and that you sincerely like being submissive and being dominated.
Don't you get it?
Maybe you don't like being "serviced"?
Kumbaga, ang gusto mo, ikaw ang kumakain, at ayaw mo ng ikaw ang kinakain.
Gets?
I've known homosexuals na ganoon ang trip. Gusto nila, sila ang lumuluhod at sumasamba, dehins nila trip ang reciprocation. They're all about the worshipping.
And almost all of them are submissive bottoms.
Don't quote me on this, but I have a feeling that submissive bottoms like the idea that they are the "females" in the bedroom, and their fantasy is na straight ang guy na dino-do nila. And as we all know, no straight guy would ever eat a meaty banana.
It kinda screws up the "straight-guy fantasy" if your partner suddenly exhibits signs na mas hayok pa siya sa nota kesa sa iyo, di ba? Maybe that's the reason na hindi tumayo ang sagisag ng iyong laman. Baka na-off ka.
Pero again, don't quote me on that. That's just a theory of mine.
I'm sure there are others out there that are even weirder.
Let's see what the readers have to say.
Readers, care to comment?
Love, lust, and lechon,
- bookie -
akosicallboi@gmail.com
